May 31, 2004
"There's no such thing as management"
That's what my supervisor at the school I'm working at kept stressing to us this morning. She doesn't believe in management and staff. Everyone is here, at
Pathlight School to impact lives and to transform not only our students, but ourselves too. We all have a role to play and we play it to the best of our capabilities. There is no management versus staff. Just people who are here to do their bit to impact the lives of the children.
It's too early to tell if this job's right for me and if the school is a suitable place for me. But, for now, I have this feeling I'm in the right place for now. I'd relish in that, we don't get to feel this way often.
- smile
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:26
From the papers...16
"What can you do to me?"
MOE knows, from studies, that public shaming may not necessarily reform a person. So, what's with the guide to corporal punishment???
If the existing guide to punishment were to stay, and it is staying, does that mean MOE doesn't quite consider little boys 'person'? And, funny how some MPs have the idea that soft skills are needed to deal with defiant girls and they need to be punished in a more 'creative' way. hmm? And defiant boys only deserve a quick display of the cane? Hmm.
This is a system that only allow ah-lianz to rulez. Eat your heart out, little bengsterz!
"You accept Visa?"
Funny how in Singapore, almost everything that (I believe) makes up what life is really about is price-tagged.
Learn your mother tongue, cos the big C up north is opening its gold-plated doors to welcome investments. Get married, cos that additional piece of paper will save you a lot in getting your own roof (and hey, if you divorce after that, you end up gettin alimonies. Good deal!). Have kids, more the merrier, cos big Daddy will give you bonus.
The next item on my shopping list would be 'Life - Singapore flavour'.
'I would like to buy some of that life, please. Do I get a discount for knowing how to write more chinese characters than just my name?'
"I will change your life forever in the next 10 years."
It's really not easy being a real teacher, the kind that imparts and impacts. Such a teacher will never know when his/her teaching and influence will end. It probably never will.
Of course, there are good teachers, there are bad teachers. And there are many, many in-betweens. But, still, even bad teachers go thru the shit of having to deal with 40 brats everyday. It's one helluva punishment eh?
Plus, dear parents, you think you make their job any easier? Teachers (and principals) get the sack for your kid's misbehaviour and your irrational acts of love.
Give the real educators a break. They do more than you can see.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:43
May 27, 2004
"Intelligent fools"
Holla, Meisen, Charan, Yungtzen, Christian, Sang Kook and Zhang Juan! Very nice meeting you all yesterday for the party!
No more reason to have this image of your postgrads parties as gatherings of intellects and profoundly-spoken English. And much more reasons to believe that the future of academia is gonna be sooo much more fun with you *quote fr Meisen* silly fools *unquote* around.
Enjoy the rest of your holidays (does not apply to those of you who have been slacking wayyy toooo much for your research paper) and hope to see you all again!
Cheers!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:33
"Evenstar"
I went to the LOTR Exhibition yesterday!!!
It's really neat. I spent 3+ hours there. It felt like... being in a museum. Like the swords and costumes and armour were really artefacts from a time in history that really existed. It felt like connecting with middle earth.
I'm really impressed by Three Foot Six and WETA. It's amazing to see how the trilogy was being produced, the stages of production. I appreciate the movie even more now. It weakens my resolve to wait for the extended version of ROTK VCD.
And my awe for Viggo Mortensen just got higher. He's soooo talented, a very sincere person and such a professional actor!
Hey, SH, you should go watch it lah, since you're so free nowadays. Go with matric card. It's only 16bucks. Psst, I put mine to the same use.
- wink... hee
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:05
May 24, 2004
I've gotten another new link up! It's the blog of my handsome friend (ya, I've got quite a few of those eh? haha), Mr. Chua! Better referred to as SH. hehe *he'd blush...*
And while I'm publicising his blog... might as well do this here too...
CONGRATS on YOUR MARVELLOUS RESULTS!
You're always quite amazing ya? All the reasons to be proud, but do stay grounded. ^_^
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:34
Add hot water, throw in 2 cubes of ice. A warm cuppa Milo. Simple pleasure of life, especially when you're hungry but lazy (happens to me every so often at night).
"and what... piss each other off?"
I met my knight on Sat!!! ho~~! Finally, we met for dinner. Sooo GOOD to see him! As slim as ever, as fit, as handsome sia... not to mention as lovely company as always.
If you are reading this, before you go down under, please know that you are not the worst kinda bf a girl can have. Just one of the more problematic ones. But hey, there's a whole big bunch of problematic girl friends around too!
And, sigh... i'm still waiting for the day you'd sms me twice per day, 7 days per week. haha... n we'd piss each other off with all our long, long chats and discussion oki! can't wait for that day.
"bring me back to life"
I'm starting work on 31st May. Waking up from a dream. I have one week to make that transition from dream state to reality. An alluring dream, but reality is beckoning.
"in knots"
argh, that must be my gastric. I'm coughing quite a bit these few days. Dunno why. It's that kinda cough that threatens to make me throw up that mushroom pizza I just had at dinner with my fellowship. So, I don't eat a lot. Only to feel hungry and then, need I say more? Darn.
Still missed the target. I'm supposed to be asleep half an hour ago. Darn.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:47
May 19, 2004
TROY
- 20 minutes after watching the movie.
You're right,
erywen.
This movie's about love.
It's about love, love that went right; and too much love that went wrong.
I'm shaken by this movie. Maybe it's not a very good time to watch it. Whatever, I'm shaken.
- Clutching my file tightly as I walked out of the theatre, digging my nails into my closed palms.
Too much blood, too much killing. Very expected of a PG (War Violence) rating. But too much gore, and too painful for my weak heart to watch alone.
Too much love that went wrong, which resulted in too much killing. Scary to note that such intensity, such tenacity in love can make so many wrongs. I'm still a bit awed, and affected.
Too much courage. Not of Hector or Archilles (definitely not Paris), but of his wife, their lovers, the princesses. How to say goodbye when you know that may be the last goodbye in this life? Is knowing you have the love of a man so great enough to make you live without him for the rest of your life? I was moved, and suddenly ashamed.
Orlando looked so much better as Legolas. In a way, they still let him be. But, here, he pulled 3 arrows too many.
Eric Bana was handsome, but why can't I stop comparing him with Aragorn?
Archilles told Briseis "You bring me peace" before he died.
- It caught me at the right time.
Watch it. It's a good show.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:53
"More than words"
Meisen mentioned that though some of my blog entries seem to be quite abstract, the people who are close to me will know what I'm talking about here. In a way, my blog is, indeed, a good reflection of my moods and my state of health, emotional, psychological, mental.
And I know who are the few who read my blog, totally knowing what's going on underneath those abstract paragraphs. Y'all are the champs!
-smile
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:04
May 18, 2004
"A late Cinderella"
Okay, quick, quick. I only have half an hour to go before I SHOULD really hit the sheets. I've got 2 weeks to fine tune my bio-clock to that of sleeping by 11pm and waking up by 6am (yes, I need 7 hours of sleep to fuel me for the rest 17 hours, quite a healthy bargain, I think).
-Shit. Why am I blogging about the unnecessary.
I dreamt of my Bblics and me. We were outside, in town, somewhere, caught in the very familiar predicament of not knowing what to do, where to go to hang out. Then, I suggested going clubbing. She agreed. I suggested Carnegies 'cos it's a Wed night in my dream. She was unusually enthu. My dream ended.
haha, nothing like yours, Erywen. My dream is just a fulfilment of how unbelievably bored and restless my weekend has been. I'm under the weather... this heat is making my mood dry up like prunes. Really gross.
Nevertheless, to make up for a really, really no-fun weekend, I went out today. Met Brian, who brought along a friend, for tea and erm, mud pie and cakes. I bought a skirt (2nd skirt since my bank stopped seeing deposits) and a CD. And a birthday cake for my younger sis, Jasmine. She's getting married today. Duh. Didn't I already said it's a birthday cake?
-darn, i'm hearing voices... asking stupid questions... wait, that sounds like my own voice... what's happening?
Earlier on, I chatted on the phone with Bblics. Ya, we are really lesbians... does that make you any happier? (noooo... it's the voice again!!!) Then I went on to read email replies of another of my darling, Kyn.
Who else to make my day like they do? Ya, whatever... but see, it's just different. Besides, you think I have a choice???
-I'm really hearing too many voices... It's freaking me out.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Oh, now you remind me... Snow, the theme's gonna be Beachwear? I'm assuming Project X is to celebrate the birth of my most shameless, superficial, silly, asshole (Grade I) fren some 20-odd years ago. ye? Beachwear? that's it? I want the mid-riff thingy!!! And c'mon, we know Joyce wants it too... Mmm....
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:07
May 17, 2004
"On Raffles Place"
I just had a little chat with Brian, who told me he'd like to work in Raffles Place cos he thinks it's such a dynamic place, and the people there are so well-dressed.
I didn't like working at Raffles Place at all, I still don't. No offence to Mel n Joyce, who have their own reasons for stayin put in their job (and that's more important than anything, I think).
As a workplace, Raffles Place is damn damn stifling. And the fact that the people there are really well-dressed is a big part of the reason why it's so suffocating. At one glance, the men are in shirts n ties. Some even don jackets, like it's 20deg cel all year in Singapore. The women have rebonded hair, slim and clad in well-tailored pants or suits. It's scary in a way. Especially during lunch time. These hordes of 'well dressed' persons walk past you and at one point, I wondered how many of them know what they are working for, and I shuddered.
Brian pointed out that there're also the big-bellied and balding uncles. Yes, there are. These are the people who are being made invisible already, by the exact 'dynamic' that was used to describe the place.
It's sooo easy to first feel alienated there, swimming in a sea of people who seemed like they always know where they are heading. Then, in order to feel that you fit in, it's easy to lose your self-identity if you are not careful there. You start to talk like them, modify your image to be like them, wear the things that they wear... You only need to start thinking 'hey, everyone around me does it too..' and get into the comfort of things, jump onto the bandwagon and lo n behold, sucked right into the core of the capitalist spirit.
Fresh logs of fuel added to the fire that consumes ideals, consumes your thoughts, consumes diversity, and gives off fierce flames of non-differentiation, material consumption, single-minded chase of plastic (what with the new 10-dollar notes), every day.
Ok. Before you get really offended by my vision of Raffles Place... I still like the place. But only as a visitor. It's a great place to exercise detachment and make very interesting observations.
Also, I'm not saying everyone who works there has no purpose. I know of people who works very hard (in and out of Raffles Place) 'cos they got to be practical and bring home the loaf. But, see, some of them grab hold of whatever free time they have left to indulge in their hobbies, their other passions in life. I'm not saying we should all be idealistic, even though I think I probably qualify as one. I'm saying we should all keep a good balance. Don't be zombie-fied by work.
On this note, a girl appears in my mind. This girl hangs a rectangle box around her neck, and every lunch time, she walks around OUB Centre, asking for donations for a charity (was it some old folks home?), with all smiles, regardless of how often she's been shunned, brushed aside or rejected. She's probably in secondary school. She told me she and her friends go by shifts. And she feels disheartened occasionally, and just got scolded and accused by an 'uncle', who insisted she's a cheat, that very day. And, she cried while the uncle (what an arsehole...) accused her. But then, she smiled and told me there are still people who care a lot, like this 'angmoh' who dropped a 50-dollar bill into her box while consoling her, and even asked her if that was enough.
I stopped to talk to her that evening cos I remembered seeing her during tea-break. In fact, I saw her very often and I remember her cos she's not your typical student out to do flag-day every Sat (but who sits in Mac, yakking away with friends). And there was an occasion I went down with exact 10 bucks to buy snacks. I apologised that I didn't have change but when I got my stuff and went back to office, she's still there and I gave her all my coins.
I hope she's still there, with her positive attitude, undaunted spirit and sincere eyes and brightening smile in that 'dynamic' and 'well dressed' place named after Raffles.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:17
May 16, 2004
"Exercise some distance"
I re-read Tuesdays with Morrie. I don't suppose it would be the last time I'm going to re-read it.
Such simple lessons, so hard to put into practice.
This 2nd time I read it, the thing that kept ringing in my mind is on 'detachment'. To feel a particular emotion so intensely, so thoroughly for the 1st time.. so that you can identify it the next time it hits.. and tell yourself, 'it's ok.. it's just (e.g.) jealousy'. Then, acknowledge that you are feeling that particular emotion, then practise some detachment from it, so as to put things in perspective.
Actually, I wonder if an easier way would be... breathe... count to 10.... breathe.. then loudly, 'Argh!!!! What the F***!' FYI, I did exactly that that day at FF, with Wenn. And I said more than just that... and did more than just that. It was good, to let go like that... bloody good. But, other times, I'm still trying the detachment thing.
And i'm trying to cut down on my F-words lah.. I'm gonna be an assistant teacher soon leh... hahahha.. suppression by job.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:22
May 13, 2004
"Come any nearer, I'd bite"
I'm having PMS! yay! PMS! PMS! PMS! Yay!!!
"Stick in a Shit"
When you read this, you should know what I mean. haha... Hey, thankSSSS for the sms-es... they didn't help solve anything, but they pointed out the forest away from the goddamn tree. Very soon, i'd be swinging tree-to-tree like a female version of the Tarzan...
"I'm already looking up"
The same big blue sky we look up to. If yours turns grey, mine will too. Stay positive, darling. Dun be disheartened. Check your email. Hugs.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:20
May 06, 2004
Last Sunday, my group of friends celebrated Anna's birthday with her in advance. While Anna was sending me home, we chatted a bit about her relationship with her bf. There's this question that kept popping up.
Love & dating...15
"... but then again, what is love and what does it mean to love a person?"
Some of Anna's suggestions to the meaning of loving a person included giving in to a person's unreasonable behaviour, and wanting to be with a person every minute of the day.
I honestly don't really know what is love, and what does it mean to love a person. And in a way, I'm glad I don't. 'cos that means that I'm still finding an answer, and I must say, sorta enjoying the process to finding the answer. Err, getting super pissed off sometimes, of course, but there's always enough reasons to get over the pissed part. And always enough sane friends around to make me regain perspective, Thank Goodness!
At around the same time, a most unlikely person asked me another related question that I didn't manage to answer.
"Do people nowadays have trial periods for loving a person (30days money back guarantee...)?"
I don't know. I only know that I'm a quite an idealist when it comes to love. Quite a stubborn person, for better or for worse. hee.. Stop chuckling, those of you who know what I mean! Grrr....
I will decide on something. Then, do it. I may stop to think about the decision but I will not look back upon a decision made. I believe I only need to decide what to do with the time that is placed before me. The past is but a lesson and the future is but a consequence of the decision I make now. Then, I start crossing my fingers. haha
Do we try to love someone before deciding to love him/her or do we decide to love someone and then try to love him/her with whatever, however we can? I think I'm the latter.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:49
From the papers...15
Mr Chan Soo Sen, Minister of State for Education, commended on Mr Ng's (x-principal, Nan Chiau High) decision to step down from his position.
Mr Chan thinks that if MOE keeps Mr Ng as a principal, MOE would be sending out the message to the rest of the academic workers that such acts of disciplining a student can be done under some circumstances. And, he felt that such a message is unacceptable.
At the same time, he commented that MOE wants students to be innovative... and to use physical punishment to force them to conform is an objective that MOE doesn't want to fulfill.
My queries now.
1. Corporal punishment on students
CAN be done under some circumstances. That's what the MOE guidelines said! What's the man talking about? The sensible question to ask is, how viable are those guidelines? Does it make any sense that one of the guidelines is that corporal punishment can only be meted out to boys and not girls? DUH! Now we can't even be responsible for being a problem. Is this stereotyping or just blind protection?
2. If indeed academic workers (particularly principals) in Singapore are so easily led into thinking what can and cannot be done, monkeys see, monkeys do, then I ask, how in the hell does MOE choose which monkeys to be principals? Seriously, I always trusted that in order to be the head of any educational instituition, the person must be of high integrity, edified and has the ability to discern what is right (do-able) and what is not. Now Mr Chan is actually telling me that he's afraid that's not the case. He just helped to undermine the waning confidence I have in our education system. Thank you very much.
3. Physical punishment has much less to do with forcing students to conform, compared to the streaming system. How many of us, non-problematic students, have given up on our ideals and dreams just so we fit nicely into the mainstream? That's not conformity, what is? You wanna know who are the really innovative students in the school? Go to all the problematic classes. And before you hold them under the cane, listen to their thousand and one reasons and ways to justify their ever-stagnant grades and disturbing behaviour. MOE's idea of innovative is actually just another conformity to what they want from us so that the whole country can stay optimistic about a 5% growth rate every year.
Honestly, these people from MOE are really getting on my nerves. First it was Mr S, now Mr C. And don't tell me I don't even have the freedom to voice my opinion about the people I didn't choose to put in the ministry. F*** it.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:12
May 04, 2004
"Hear ye all. The weapons are gathering."
I'm really excited today. It's a marvellous start to this day.
Erywen n
Channi have started their own blogs! More food for the intellect and the soul!
And ho! My most lovable Little Snow has written a really farnie n long piece in his blog. Hey, the Sad Truth is that a relationship is just a disguised power struggle between two persons lah. Either you screw me up first or I screw you up first. The point is, have fun!
And there there, it's time I do a bit of intro... hee.. I put links to all my friends' blogs for a good reason. Reason being they are my friends (and they can write with coherence)! haha.. What were you expecting? So, pop over to
Archie's cranky world for some plagiarism, occasional wit but mostly, good sheer crap. Oh, and even more links to his witty friends' blogs.
Vamp Les realm of darkness for my darling Vamp Les aka FVB aka Kyn's slightly confused in content but visually provoking blog. She's straight as an arrow, FYI. At least, that's the last I heard while she's in Singapore...
A puppy wants to be doggie for a somewhat repressing and mebbe even depressing but nevertheless truthful and realistic understanding of life in the medical school. Another blog that impresses with music, background and messageboard.
Wizard's Corner for really neat digital photographs good enough to sell as postcards (that's my opinion) and also cos a picture speaks a thousand words for this man of few words.
The enchanted woods for some easy and heart-warming reads of a sweet lass (hey! update!!!).
The rehearsal stage for very random, occasionally quirky thoughts of a periodically confused personality.
I don't mind if you forget me &
Been everywhere but here are blogs that I chanced upon through other friends' introduction. Good stuff.
And of course, 2 new links to
In the realm of the golden wood and
No wicked can reign!!!
Yay!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:29
May 03, 2004
From the papers...14
PM Goh believes the trust between workers, employers and the Government is Singapore's core strength and has pulled our country through many a tough times.
I read long ago, from one of my fav Chinese (HK) authors, Zhang Xiao Xian, that Trust is, sometimes, just a blind acceptance of what you have no means of knowing or what you cannot change.
Trust within the tripartite is more like... I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Now, I'm just waiting to laugh hard when you screw it up yourself. Until that happens, I think I'm just screwed for the time being.
He who laughs last is just the slowest.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:33
Just realised that keeping myself updated on news and current affairs actually help to keep me sane and grounded. The things I used to do on a (well, almost) everyday basis when I was at my last job. Stimulating and feeding the intellect so that the mind doesn't drift off to think of unnecessary and DEFINITELY unconstructive stuff. heh...
yo, people. I'm back! GRrrrrrrrr......!
From the papers...13
Prof Arthur Lim (eye surgeon, Gleneagles) published his biography last month to mark his 70th birthday (some ego, tis guy... hee). It's titled 'Say what should be said'.
I read part of his interview with
Today. There's something quoted that sounds sweetly familiar, esp the very first part (which constitute a significant part of my attitude towards people who rub me the wrong way).
'What can they do to me? Stop me from practising; keep me in jail? If you want to disagree with establishment, you have to be prepared to be punished directly or indirectly.'
And Prof Lim gave kudos to Mr LKY for his irrefutable contribution to our nation building. But, excuse me, we 'want to watch the young generation' now.
(Taken into a context of just the typical family, it would sound more like, 'Hey Dad, you've been great in raising me up. But, it's my time to perform now!' Then, under breath.. 'you old fogey..')
He worries about the future of Singapore lacking a vibrant public space for discussion and that Singaporeans are all stifled but have no guts to speak up.
Well, like Charan once commented... a blog is like the weapon of the weak. We are speaking up; just that we are not making ourselves heard. And when the weapons all are gathered, maybe we can all make a quiet shout.
Come, ye all gutless...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:58
May 02, 2004
Popped over to Dash Boy's blog. i.e. "Been Everywhere But Here". Cuckoos, pls look right.
Made my day ==> '... spend a lifetime knowing just one person truly.'
I think I'm made to live many intertwined lifetimes in one. I will not desert you, cos you make up one of my lifetimes.
Thank you, Bblics, for not deserting me.
I'm already, truly, blessed.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:21
"A pretty rag doll"
The whole idea of letting go, I think, is to go to the extreme. I'm not an extremist. 'Just a perfectionist,' some argue. But, that's really beside the point.
This world, this life and this life's problems will all end up looking so minute, so insignificant and so pointless if you just go to the extreme. Just like... just like if you go stand at the peak of Himalaya, everything else below fade into near-nothing, portraying a magnificent contrast with everything beyond.
If you know for sure that today's your last day in this insane world, suddenly, the insanity of this world doesn't seem that insane anymore. The things that you once held so tightly do not seem to matter anymore. The things that you unknowingly took for granted is too much for you to regret in these last few hours.
Letting go of your suppressed anger, disappointment and hurt is probably about the same thing. The first thing is to cry it out. Cry, cry, cry. Shout if you must, then cry again, then shout. Let nothing hold you back. Before long, you'd laugh. Laugh about how silly you were. Laugh because there're no more reasons to cry and shout, laugh because you cried so hard and shouted so loud. It's really quite funny. Suddenly, everything is funny to you cos you know they don't really matter.
Like a soaked, spun and tumble-dried rag doll, hanging out to be kissed by the warmth of the sun. A new, clean smile to greet the world.
Come what may. I'm ready for you.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:41
"Embracing a wait"
One weekend passing very soon. The first weekend without you. Not exactly. More like without the accessibility to your physical company.
Friday was insane. I couldn't even remember the last time I stayed home on a Friday night. It just felt weird, like something's missing. And, just too lethargic to go out, even though I was bored and restless. Felt damn weird and so, I had to msg Wenn. What do you know?! She's also at home, on a Friday night, feeling as weird as me. haha! See what you've done!
Still, we headed for Fat Frog yesterday. Just Wenn and me. Cos Apple couldn't make it. You should have been there. You'd have seen one of the most 'glorious' moments of the queen. Suffice to say that I made a few heads turn towards our direction. A suppressed woman knows no shame.
Plus, of course, Darren (yes, the guitarist who's our BB's source of motivation) actually asked what song we would like to hear. 'cos u see, we were about the only 2 left who stayed thruout and clapped after every song. Crowd was miserable ytday. Darren sang! Ye, the man himself sang a song he composed for his girlfriend. Wonder if Wenn's heart went 'crack' at that revelation (haha). And Nuris (yes, the vocalist, the one whose vocals bring me inspiration everytime) played the guitar herself for the last song of the night. Was a damn nice song.
Dance real slow... embrace a wait...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:10